guys, huh?
by panlesters
Summary: Luke can't remember the first time he started feeling like this, but he remembers the first time he was told it was bad.


_**Ok so I decided today to binge some of the old SJA stuff and this is where my mind went. I'm sad we never got this, so here it is. **_

Luke can't remember the first time he started feeling like this, but he remembers the first time he was told it was bad. Or maybe he wasn't told it was _bad_, exactly.

He knew what being gay was. _"It's when a dude likes another dude," _Clyde had explained one day as they sat in the park watching a football match. _"You know, like how you like girls." _Right. How _Luke_ liked girls. He didn't tell Clyde that day, about how he thought their new biology teacher looked nice with a tie on and how he didn't really know what it meant that he thought that. He remembers Finney laughing when the guy's back was turned and whispering to Luke and Clyde that _"hah, that guy's tie is so gay." _The way Clyde and Finney had laughed together, like it was something _bad_, something uncool that you should be ashamed of… Luke knew at that point he couldn't confide in his best friend.

Maria though. He could tell Maria.

The email he drafted that night took hours. How was he supposed to tell her that he thought boys were pretty in the way he was supposed to think girls were pretty? Of course he could start it how he always did, answers to her last email, asking how she was. That part came naturally. _Hey, how's Washington? Is the heat really all that bad? You seem pretty close with Ellie, you'd better not go replacing me! _And then, suddenly, it was time to tell her. To come out of the closet, as he'd heard people say on his extensive research over youtube.

_**So, what do you think about guys? **_

_**Guys, huh? **_

_**So, our new biology teacher looks great in a tie. **_

Baby steps, right?

The answer he received from Maria showed she really didn't get the message quite right. _"You know, Luke, if she's wearing a tie you're probably not her type. Send me a pic though if you can! I'm curious. Good to see you're finally showing an interest in girls though!" _A groan escaped Luke's lips as he dropped his head into his palms.

_**Maria, the biology teacher isn't a girl. **_

His breath wavers. His hands are sweating. He was really hoping he wouldn't have to be this blunt, that she would just get it and he wouldn't have to tell her he was gay. That there was something wrong with him. It's all he can write. He can't even bring himself to provide a proper answer to her email. It's all he can think about.

It only takes two minutes for the next email to come in. A long line of exclamation points are her entire reply, and his skype begins ringing. He takes a deep breath and presses the answer button.

"Luke!" Maria all but shrieks. "This is _huge_! Tell me everything!"

"I mean… he…" Luke stutters, overwhelmed. He looks at his hands, takes a deep breath, and looks at Maria through the screen. "Is it okay?" he almost whispers, voice so soft he'd have been sure Maria missed it if it wasn't for the way her face instantly fell.

"Luke," she started, looking straight into the camera. "It is more than okay. You should embrace this!"

"But what if I'm…" he takes a deep breath. He didn't realise how shallow his breathing had become. "Am I gay?"

"So what if you are?" Maria replies gently. "Hell, Luke, I sure am."

Luke's eyes shoot up then. "What?"

"You mean you didn't notice?" she giggles, brushing her hair out of her face. "Luke, I literally told you me and Ellie went on a date to the fair, what did you think I meant?"

"That you were really good friends?"

Maria huffs a laugh. "Yep. That's us," she snorts. "Just a couple of gals being pals." Luke wishes he could reach through the screen and touch her, hold her hand, hug her close. "Seriously, Luke, there is absolutely nothing wrong with who you are."

"People say it like it's a bad thing." Luke shrugs, sighing.

"Was it Clyde?" Maria snaps suddenly, fire in her eyes. "I swear Luke, I love the guy but I will beat his ass if he says _anything_ homophobic."

"You'll beat his ass?" it's Luke's turn to laugh. "Maria, you've been in America too long, come back. Anyway, it wasn't really Clyde. He just laughed. It was Finney."

Maria rolls her eyes. "What a surprise." She sighs. "Luke, if this is who you are, you shouldn't be ashamed. Who you are is incredible, every single part of it. And anyone who says otherwise is just ignorant and not worth your time or energy, okay?" Luke nods shyly. "I'm always here for you, you know that right?"

Luke is seventeen when it starts to seep into his life. He'd always managed to keep the two separate, his friends and his sexuality. It hadn't ever been a problem, until one day Clyde wrapped his arm around Luke's shoulder and he suddenly felt comfortable, at home. The weight across his back felt like it was always meant to be there, and he felt the sudden urge to lean into Clyde, to rest his head on his best friend's shoulder, nuzzle his face into Clyde's neck and just breathe in the scent of his lynx spray. _Oh._

He couldn't be more thankful to be moving to uni and getting away from this sudden crush that had hit him out of nowhere. At least, that was what he told himself. He hated seeing Clyde fawn over Rani when he was right there, still stuck in the damn closet and into his best friend. But at the same time, the warmth that spread through his gut whenever Clyde flashed a smile his way, whenever he sat down and watched Clyde sketch out a new drawing, whenever Clyde said he was cool or that a shirt suited him… it was a good feeling. He didn't want it to end, no matter how much it was beginning to hurt that nothing was ever going to come from it.

It's at his going away party that Luke really begins to feel it become too much. All he wanted was to get some food, be a wallflower for a little while and enjoy watching other people enjoy themselves. What he didn't want was an awkward bonding conversation with Clyde about leaving and whether they were still cool. Were they still cool? Luke wasn't even sure. He definitely wasn't cool. He was positively sweating.

"You don't want a uh, hug, or anything, right?" Clyde joked. Luke tried to stop himself imagining it, Clyde's arms around him, his face buried in Clyde's shoulder, Clyde scratching his fingers gently across Luke's shoulders. He suddenly feels very overwhelmed and he needs to get away from Clyde. It hurts to call Rani over to take Clyde away to dance, when it should be Luke he's dancing with, but he needs some time to breathe and think.

He still hasn't told anyone apart from Maria. Sometimes it weighs on him that his mother doesn't know, when she knows everything. He knows he has to tell her before he goes to uni, and he knows that means telling her in the next couple of days, but the thought is so terrifying he doesn't allow himself to dwell on it for too long. He pushes it to the back of his mind just as sleep suddenly overtakes him.

He's sat in his car, with his mum next to him, when he says it.

"Mum?" a hum next to him confirms he has his attention. He takes a deep breath, and looks at his hands on the steering wheel. "I'm… I'm…" he takes another deep breath and wipes the sweat from his hands on his jeans. "I'm gay."

He doesn't shut his eyes but they slip closed on his own as he dreads the worst. He tries his best to keep his breathing steady. He feels her get out of the car, hears her footsteps around the car. He opens his eyes when he feels her hands on his, pulling him up and out of his seat. Before he knows it, her arms are wrapped around him and he's clinging to her, crying big sobs into her shoulder as she strokes his back comfortingly.

"Oh, my son," she whispers. "It's okay, I've got you, shh, I've got you." She stands and lets him cry for a little while before she speaks up again. "I'm so proud of you, you know. Look at you, off to Oxford, off to study. Off to figure out who you truly are. You're already figuring it out. I couldn't be prouder of you, Luke. I love you so much." The tears turn back on as he holds her tighter, soaking the shoulder of her shirt as he cries his heart out.

He can't bring himself to tell Clyde before he goes. He doesn't want things to change between them. He doesn't want Clyde to hate him, and to never hear from him. He wants to keep things as they are, just for now.

And then he meets the boy down the hall. He's cute. Really cute. They first meet when Luke is cooking scrambled eggs and he comes in, bed hair and wonky glasses, looking for some cereal. Luke turns around and opens his mouth to introduce himself, but nothing comes out. They stare at each other before the other guy runs a hand through his hair (that _hair_, and those _fingers_ in that _hair_, Luke immediately wants to thread his fingers in that hair and hold that hand) and smiles sheepishly.

"Uh. Hi." His voice is gruff and Luke melts. He has no idea what's happening to him but he allows himself to fall a little. "I'm Sanjay."

"I'm, uhhhhh…" Luke stammers. "Luke. I'm Luke." Sanjay smiles, a _beautiful_ smile. He holds out his hand for Luke to shake. When Luke returns the gesture and clasps Sanjay's hand, it's smooth and soft and Luke wants to feel it in _his_ hair.

It's a couple of months later when Luke has convinced Sanjay, with his big puppy dog eyes and a couple of sweet kisses that he should come over and meet his family. He should meet Sarah Jane, and Clyde and Rani. Clyde, who has gone back to being Luke's best friend, rather than confusing and overwhelming crush. When things started to go places with Sanjay, Luke was definitely glad for this turn of events.

So that's where they're at. Stood in front of Luke's huge house on Bannerman Road. The key turns, and the door opens. Luke offers a shy but excited smile Sanjay's way, and Sanjay in return presses a delicate kiss to Luke's cheek. "You first, babe," he whispers, nudging Luke through the door. Clyde is first out the living room, grinning and offering Luke a _manly handshake_, before turning to Sanjay. He's tall, and Clyde has to look up at him.

"Who's this guy then? Not your new best friend, I hope?"

Luke looks up at Sanjay and takes a deep breath, before looking back at Clyde.

"Sanjay, this is my best friend, Clyde." Sanjay offers a hand to shake Clyde's politely. "Clyde, this is… this is my boyfriend. Sanjay."

And just like that, he did it. He's out.

_**Well, there you have it. I miss this show so much, damn. Comments are always appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr panlesters**_


End file.
